The 2003-04 season is right around the corner.  Ticket sales to fans have not quite met expectations of the planning committee, but the Commish has put in place a new tele-marketing campaign aimed at anyone who went to see Ben & Jen in Gigli.  After the 2003 banquet, many of the players returned to their regular lives, and regular jobs (unlucky).  Others, unable to shake the lure of the game, met semi-regularly to continue to try and find their shots and acquire some skills.

The opening of training camp will see the veterans arrive several days late, typically 10 – 15lbs overweight (of which, each will have very little prospect of losing), with a little less hair, or in the case of the formerly Shaggy P, a small fraction of his retro 2003 mop (of course, it is acknowledged that Bertuzzi is apparently exempt from this phenomenon, and will actually have 20% more hair on his head), and several more aches and pains present.   

General League Notice:

New Marketing Partner.  After suffering through some difficult periods last year, the Commissioner set about securing long term corporate sponsorships for the fledgling league.  In order to do so, he needed to find companies and products that represented the character of the players. 

The first one was easy.  What is a product everyone needs?  What does our league symbolize?  Answer:  Levitra, the newer, cheaper, more industrial Viagra.  When asked for comment the Commish was very matter of fact.  “It was obvious last year that we lacked staying power.  There were many poor showings.  We certainly tried, the effort was there, but it just seemed that nothing happened.  Levitra and these guys are a perfect match.”  (Note:  The Commish has already sent a formal notice to Shaggy P, warning him not to take any prior to game time).

The next seemed obvious, but it appears the Commish got distracted.  In an effort to land another good match, the Commish set out to find a beer sponsor.  However, it appears he lost his focus during a research outing, and failed to obtain anything but a hangover and a tattoo on his chest that bears eerie likeness to Mr. T.

Player Preview:

Here is a quick preview of what to expect from some of the veteran players as they  prepare for the grueling season ahead.

Commish Cobra (Age: Like fine wine)

The Commish went into the summer concerned that he may go dry.  Luckily with the efforts of his trusty assistant, he was able to come up with no less than two weekly excuses to get out to the G&D to consume a copious volume of brew.  It is not a stretch to think of Cobra as the leading candidate for MVB 2004 (Most Volume of Beer).  This season Cobra will look to add to his scoring arsenal, which already includes the famed “Doris” and the infamous “Three-Step” layup.

Scott “Free” Gerrity (Age: $38)

Free assumed the role of acting commissioner and went to work, finding zero cost outdoor facilities.  Free did however, try to levy an $8 “environmental” fee on all those that attended.  Free also worked on his game; for the entire summer he drank right handed instead of left.

John “Super” Gaiptman (Age:  Elder Statesmen)

Mark “Mr. T.” Tatchell (Age:  Young enough to hit the bars every night and “working” for the public good)

As has become a common theme, Mr. T unable to take part in several of the summer sessions due to issues beyond his control, such as, his all expense paid trips to Rivers Inlet and Whistler.

Adrian “Gadget” Somers (Age:  Way Old before his time)

Gadget spent his summer committed to building sympathy.  He also is developing a new line of backless clothing called “Scar Exposed”, soon to hit the shelves of your local McGill & Orme. Gadget hopes to return to the floor (standing, not lying) by mid-season, but has already been cleared by the medical staff to attend the G&D on opening night.

John “Tres” Nedwidek (Age:  Young blond)

The off-season brought hardship in the form of nagging injuries, and a failure to produce any video clips at all.  There is growing concern as to whether Tres can maintain his vaunted feistiness, without breaking the all-time career record in fouls.

Neil “Shaggy” Paterson (Age:  Physical 41; Mental: 14)

Shaggy P once again entered the off-season with a less than desirable court name, so he quickly went to work on cropping his top and ridding himself of the Shaggy do (samples of the famous locks can be purchased on eBay).  The former “Shaggy P / Dr. Slime” has again petitioned the secret naming committee for a new handle for the ‘03-‘04 season.

Tim “Scarface” Witoski (Ageless)

Legal issues surrounded Scarface this summer.  Most notably his challenge of Gadget’s use of the word “scar” in any conversation he had this summer.  The matter will be resolved in the courts next summer.  Taking a page from Kobe, Scarface has hired the best and brightest for his defense.  Scarface will be represented by former player, and soon to be Hall of Famer, Robbie “White Shoes” Sheffman.  White Shoes, as you may recall, introduced and perfected the original “Shock and Awe” with his patented “wind and chuck” 3 point bomb, that left many an opponent shaking their head.

Euro (Age:  Not sure of the imperial conversion)

Euro did not start out with big plans this summer, but things changed rather quickly.  In a matter of days, his world turned upside down.  Asked about how this all came about, Euro responded “I never lived my life to be a politician.  I never lived my life to be the governor of California. Obviously, I've made statements that are ludicrous and crazy and outrageous and all those things, because that's the way I always was. I was always outrageous, otherwise I wouldn't have done the things that I did in my career, with the bodybuilding and the show business and all those things. I was always out there."

Blair “Cabablarro” Patterson (Age: Other side of the curve)

Guy is one of our two-sport, two-way players.  Blair is occasionally known to mix and match his sports, sometimes launching a rocket at the 5 hole on the backboard instead of the net.

Joleff “Le Barge” Fitsimmons (Age:  South of 35)

Le Barge brings a powerful combination of speed and inertia, that has lead some to think of him as the Ford Explosion of our league (Extremely poor crash safety and collision history; very likely to roll)

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